I am of the opinion that hosting a playdate with a newborn should be preceded by a safety demonstration. I’m thinking something like…
Post-partum ladies stupid enough to have invited your children’s friends over, we will now commence the safety demonstration. Each child in your care may be different so we’d appreciate your full attention.
Your hair tie should be fastened high and tight across your Mum Bun.
The living room will be pressurised during the playdate, however if caffeine is required don’t expect to drink it hot. Try to continue to breathe normally. It’s important to brew your own caffeine first before assisting other guests with the likes of apple juice and similar.
Life jackets are located …no they’re not; the closest thing you’ve got to a life jacket is your iPhone, hopefully located within arm’s reach. There is a call function and numerous messaging and social media platforms for attracting attention.
Remember to adopt the brace position the minute an argument breaks out over who had what toy.
There are 8 emergency exits in your home but you are not permitted to make use of any of them at this time. So buckle up motherfluffer!
When the TV is off you must remain seated but as soon as ABC KIDS is on you may get up and move about the living room semi-freely (note you will likely be toting your newborn who’s been woken by the fact there is an excess of children in your living space).
This is a non-smoking domain so don’t be tempted by the joint you have stashed away in your bedroom drawer… if you do you can be sure a small child will alarm you while caught in the act!
Use of the toilet facilities is only permitted when accompanied by one if not all of the children in your care, plus the newborn who most likely will be clamped to your breast.
In preparation for the start of this playdate, make sure your breast pads are in place, your iPhone is fully charged and your kitchen is stocked with enough yoghurt, fruit and crackers to make it through the next two hours.
Thank you for your attention and enjoy your playdate, because let's face it, you were stupid enough to arrange it in the first place!!!
What would you include in your post-partum playdate safety demonstration? Any tips for survival? Tell me at hadassah@threelittlehines.com