© threelittlehines
We used to be at it like Samantha Jones and her latest boy-toy!! Seriously you could hear us through the floorboards. How times have changed… we have kids now. Sex has become an event as rare as Charlotte York agreeing to anal.
When Denny was our only offspring we used to take advantage of her Peppa Pig addiction, sit her in her high chair with the iPad on and escape for a quickie in the bedroom. That was our salvation after she dropped her day sleep at the grand old age of 2!
After Noah arrived, sex generally became a late night antic once in a while. We tried doing it in the afternoon once. It went something like this. Husband on top, me with my eyes closed trying to block out the sounds of kids TV coming from the other room, open my eyes only to discover a third party sitting astride her father. “Is Daddy a mountain, Mummy?” asked the then-3.5yo Denny. I swear to g-d all I could do was laugh in that moment, I mean seriously, how else is one supposed to react?!
Since Raphy’s joined our family and we have officially become outnumbered by cock-blockers, sex is practically non-existent. Honestly, the thing that excites me most at the end of a long, hard day is watching Netflix on my phone, in bed, while everyone else is asleep. I actually welcome the arrival of my period because at least I have a valid excuse to ward off my husband’s advances! lol! Kidding… kind of.
Try having sex with an inquisitive 6.5 and 3.5yo in the house. You get faced with the morning after interrogation about the shimmery pink square of foil they found next to your bed. Or worse they walk in on the middle of it and all you can do is wedge the duvet up around the offending scene and pray they won’t relay it to Grandma next time she FaceTime’s. It’s not bloody worth it. Until it actually is and you remember that before you had kids it was you and him and instead of reading articles about parenting you were reading up on how to make your man orgasm.
Like I said, times have changed.
Is your parental sex life more Screaming Orgasm or Zombie?? Tell me at hadassah@threelittlehines.com